August 17, 2007 by Kelly.

That’s the question my son posed to me on his fifteenth birthday as we were on our way out to lunch. Being the Mom that I am, I assumed he was trying to sort out some of his own feelings. As we continued the conversation over lunch, he remarked that he wasn’t asking because of anything he felt personally, but that he sensed “an air” about me!

I’ll be the first to admit that his question brought back many feelings and thoughts that I haven’t felt in some time–at least, I thought I hadn’t felt them in some time…

Being lonely feels small. It feels painful behind my eyes (probably the pressure of tears struggling to get out) and heavy in my chest. It feels invisible, yet vulnerable. It feels alone.

Am I lonely? Sometimes. My husband travels at times, and I feel very lonely then. I miss his hugs, and his conversation. He’s my best friend. I like to know he’s in the house, even if we’re not in the same room. I feel safe when he’s here–protected. I feel he is safe when he’s here, and protected. Our home, wherever it may be, is our haven.

Am I alone when my husband travels? Hardly! My children are with me constantly, and they gravitate to my office or the kitchen, or wherever I am at the moment. And I have Jesus.

No, I’m never alone, and I’m not lonely as often as I may think I am–for even when my husband is gone, I always have my Savior. The enemy may whisper in my ear that I’m alone and feeling lonely, but I know a lie when I hear it! I am never alone because Jesus is with me!

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August 1, 2007 by Kelly.

What you’re hearing is the sound of a heartbeat. But, I don’t think it’s mine. My heart skips and stutters during the day, causing it to pound against my chest and race at times. It used to be only once in a great while — like, once a year or less — but for the past two months it’s been pounding multiple times during the day, everyday. Over the past three days I’ve also been experiencing tingling in my left pinkie. It’s a cold sensation… followed by that “just woke up” tingling feeling.

I’m trying to sit up straight, and change my arm/hand position frequently. The palpitations seem to be lessening, which is good.

Getting older is the pits!

Wearing a Holter monitor is also the pits. But, hopefully it will show if my heart is having any problems. Perhaps it’s all in my head. Perhaps I’m just over-stressed and this is how it’s manifesting.

Lord, take my fears and my anxiety. Hold me close and care for me. My life is Yours. Use me as You see fit. 

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